Getting Back in the Saddle

Welcome to the Passing Through Podcast. A show dedicated to exploring those spaces not just within, but also between and around us. The cracks in the walls. The moments between the moments. I speak with thinkers, authors, artists, teachers, and everyday humans who have touched the edge of the ordinary and found something to bring back. Hello everyone. It's me. I'm back. I made it home across the ocean and I have stories to tell you. But before I do that, I wanted to kick us off with a poem. And this is a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke called More Than Okay. I'm not wishing you failure, or heartbreak, or the loss of who you've worked so hard to be. But I'm standing here on the other side of my own destruction. My bare feet warming in the dark soil. And I'm whispering little ribbons into the wind that say, You're going to be more than okay. You don't deserve the pain of this world. But no one arrives in their own life without the cataclysm of birth. And I'm sure everybody has their own cataclysm of birth. We all have our own wounds, our own experiences and histories and traumas and pains and longings. And all of that kaleidoscopic wonder and flavor that create this unique stew of the human experience. There's something about that poem that stayed with me after I heard it. And I don't know what it is or why it is or where the feelings that are in me come from. That's part of the mystery of being alive, I guess. But something stirring in relation to that poem. And I thought maybe something might stir for you too. So there's the poem. I, fortunately, escaped my own destruction. At least so far. And maybe that's not even completely true. Because in some senses, we are succumbing to our own destruction. In many ways every day. Right? Confronting certain truths. Letting go of certain beliefs or perspectives or ideas about others or about ourselves. We're kind of perpetually in a state of shedding and renewal. And so I guess some parts of me have been destroyed. But the specific destruction I'm speaking about is escaping the calamity of a mid-air collision or a botched landing or malfunctioning landing gear or any combination of catastrophe and disaster that might unfold when traveling via plane. As I alluded to in the previous episode. So all of that is great. All of that is good. I'm here. I'm back. A new version of me is back. And so I welcome you with new lips, fresh words, and new fecal matter building inside of my body as I utter these words. Let me tell you a little bit about what's happened. Because I don't know where this episode is going to go. I never know where these episodes are going to go. It's rare that I sit down intending to speak about a specific thing. It does happen from time to time, of course. But most of the time, we are entering into an emergent liminal space where anything can happen. You know? A bird or a squirrel might land on the roof of this van and play us some intricate music. Settle into that unknown. Because that's how life is, right? Life isn't this thing that we think it is. Life is far stranger and more mysterious and unpredictable. And it resists. There's the rain. It resists categoricity in a way, right? It doesn't want to be labeled and named and sorted and organized into neat little lines and binaries. It's messy. It's blurry. It's orgiastic and queer. And I try to cultivate some of that on this podcast by leaning into the ramble. Leaning into the diversions, the segues, the long circles. Losing my train of thought. Finding it again. All of that stuff is part of the human experience, right? So that's what this episode is mostly going to be about. I'm going to tell you a few stories. I'm going to share a couple observations. And then I'm going to get tired of speaking into this because it's going to be too cold or the rain's going to be too loud. Or the water that I drank is going to be turning itself into urine and filling my bladder. And I will need to empty it. And again, we get back to that process of shedding and renewal. You know, emptying and refilling. Because that's kind of what we are, right? At the end of the day, what are we other than these weird receptacles that compost material, right? We take in liquids. We're mostly water. And we take in water. And then we spray out water and redeposit that in other places. And we eat food. We compost that and redeposit that. And we're these like tubes for alchemy. These tubes for transformation. Where stuff goes in one hole and comes out the other. And there was an idea I had about that, but I lost it just now. So hopefully it comes back to me. But the rain is slowly simmering on the top of the van. And pattering out and quieting now. But what I wanted to share was where I was. I was in the States for a bit. I started on the West Coast in San Francisco. Spent a week there. Went up to Mendocino for nearly a week. Then I spent a few days in New York. And then a few days in Ireland. And then I was back in Poland. Where we were leading a workshop. And this whole whirlwind of travel and experience. And integration is now coming to an end, I think. The first phase at least. Because these things kind of ripple outwards. And continue and move in surreptitious ways. Where we don't necessarily know what learnings or insights are to come. Usually there's more, right? You don't get everything all at once. Things take time to move and grow and reflect and reverberate and change. But back to the story. I was in California visiting friends there. I hadn't been there in some time. And there was a retreat going on in Mendocino that I really wanted to attend. It was being held by Michael Mead. And I could probably dedicate an entire episode to that retreat. And certainly there are things that I'm still processing and digesting. And lots of stuff that's fermenting in my organism. Waiting to be turned to fecal matter and urine. Ah, that's what it was. Okay, so I'm going to close that loop quickly. So before, when I was talking about how we are these weird receptacles. For transporting liquid and physical material across the earth to help fertilize it. I was thinking about the hydrological cycle while I was speaking. And for some of you who may not know. I mean, I'm not a fucking expert on the hydrological cycle. So take whatever I say with a grain of salt. But the way that things work is water evaporates off of bodies of water. Like the ocean, lakes, I guess even rivers. But I'm not certain of that. I would assume so. And it evaporates up, turns into rain, rains back down. And we always have this cycle of water moving itself. Through the winds, through precipitation, through absorption into the ground and aquifers. Through being pumped up via human intervention. And used as part of irrigation. And then that water runs off into streams and rivers and lakes. Back into oceans. And the cycle continues. And so this is how liquid moves around our planet. And I was thinking, does the same thing happen with urine? Is there a hydrological cycle where when we urinate, we go piss on a tree? Or take a piss in the bushes? Or on a fire hydrant? Or anywhere that isn't inside of a toilet? Does that liquid undergo the same sort of movement? I would think the body of liquid isn't large enough to function in that way. But this was the strange aside that I had before. I was imagining little pools of urine evaporating and forming little yellow clouds. That would rain down. And other... I'm just going to abandon that idea because it's absurd and preposterous. And I know it doesn't work that way. But this is where my mind was going at that point. Because what you have to understand is that I haven't recorded a podcast in like a month. So I have all these weird bottled up thoughts and feelings and strange compulsions to be crass and lewd and talk about things that the body does that people don't feel comfortable talking about. Which is weird, right? The body does these things which we have pushed into categories of things unspeakable. We've relegated defecation. Which should be something kind of sacred, right? It's magical. It's alchemical. It's full of nutrients and nourishment for the soil and helps the nutrient cycle move, right? Because much like the hydrological cycle, in an unbroken nutrient cycle, which we don't have because everyone shits in toilets and flushes that away to a sewage treatment plant. And we separate and fracture our connection to the land that way. But in an unbroken cycle where people are eating off the land and shitting on the land, and that's being composted and used to fertilize soils, that nutrient cycle remains intact. And so shit is the body's hidden gold, you could say. It's the magic that's inside of us. It's a gift back to nature. It's something that we give in return for what we receive. And so that offering, that ritualistic, primal human offering, not only is broken, but we have desecrated it. We have desecrated defecation. And that's the thing that you need to take away from this episode. If you pay attention to one thing, it's that we have desecrated the act of defecation, which for pretty much all of human history was a sacred act. And now it's something that's full of shame. It's supposed to be done in secret. We have to hide it away. And it's weird, right? Hey, everybody. This is me, Frankie Genovese. I come with you from an undisclosed location. And I just want to, you know, I'm here doing a commercial for, what is this shit called? This is desecration, defecation? Desecation, desecration? I don't know what this shit is. But basically, I'm going to read you. All right, so here we go. Have you ever... Do I got to say this shit? Yeah, Frank, you got to say it. All right. Is your doo-doo a no-no? Come on. Who the fuck says this shit? Really? Did you write this? Frank, no, I didn't write it. Bill wrote it. Bill wrote it. All right. Fucking literary wizard over here. All right, so is your doo-doo a no-no? I can't. I can't do it. Frank, just do it. All right, take do. Whatever the fuck can take this is. Is your doo-doo a no-no? Get it. Can I say it the way I would say it? I'm going to say it the way I would say it. Has your fucking doo-doo become a fucking no-no for you? Like, are you ever in the bathroom, and you're sitting there, and the stalls are kind of like close together, and it's quiet, and you sit down on a ball, and you know you got to let out a fucking screamer? You know when you sit down, it's going to be like pulling a little fucking balloon, the end of a balloon together, and that sound's going to be squealing right out of your fucking hole? If you've ever been in that situation, and you sat down, and you eked out a little, slow, meager, you know, you're letting one of those out, instead of just letting it rip, I think you might be a defecation desecrator, and you don't want that. You want to shit loud and shit proud, alright? You want to be heard when you're squeezing out a third. That's what I'm saying. You want to get in there, and you want to do a Jackson Pollock on that fucking ball. You want to spray a mud pie all over that thing, so it looks like an avalanche. It looks like a mudslide avalanche, fell out of your body, and coated that old ball in something wretched. You want it to look like a fucking sewage pipe just burst, and ruptured, and sprayed, putrid feces, all over the place. You know? You want it to look like a fox got in a hen house. And then, you got to give it. It's weird that we're afraid to talk about those things. Like, it's somehow disgusting. It's the most natural thing that the body does. Think about if the body didn't do it. How would that even work? Where would all the food that you eat go? You know, if you sealed your asshole shut, you're going to be in for a world of trouble. You know, that would require urgent medical intervention. But anyway, that isn't the main thing you should take away from this episode, of course. I'm being a bit facetious here. But, it's probably one of them. You know, I do think that it is the body's hidden gold. It's one of the body's hidden golds. And, before I go further, another thing that you should know is that I don't have my normal podcasting setup with me at the moment. I have my microphone. I have my computer. But, I don't have the microphone stand that I usually record into. And so, I'm holding the microphone. And so, I don't know if I'm holding it at the right angle. If I'm holding it too close. If I'm moving it too much. If my hand touching it is muting it. Or causing weird artifacts in the audio. So, this is going to be a little bit experimental. But, you should know it. Because, if you're wondering why you hear different sounds. Or, if there's something funky about the audio quality. This is the explanation for that. So, that's another important thing that you should take away from this episode. Back to the story. So, I was at this Michael Mead retreat. And, it was very different than what I had expected it to be. And, I know that part of going to any event like that. Especially one where the details of the schedule. And, what's going to be happening there. Is, kind of, deliberately withheld. That, it's an invitation to let go of expectation. And, I get that. And, when we hold events, this is what we tell people to do as well. So, I went into it with that understanding. But, there's a difference between understanding something intellectually. And, being able to practically employ it. Or, embody it. Or, do the thing. So, for me, going there, it was hard to let go of certain expectations. And, that was part of my process. And, I'm not going to speak at length about it yet. Because, I'm still holding on to it. I'm still unpacking things. I'm still chewing on stuff. There's still some things that I would like to sort out. some loops I'd like to close. So, I'm going to resist sharing about that so much. Except to say that, all in all, it was a beautiful experience. It was, connective, it was insightful. It gave me, a look, into the, hearts of, men, in American culture, at this particular time. Because, this is a unique time that we're living in right now. Things are, scary in America. A salad there, costs $19. You know, so from an economic perspective, it's, frightening. I don't know how people are surviving there. The costs of everything are so outrageous and over the top, that I have to assume that everyone is just, amassing, enormous, quantities of debt, just trying to survive and do basic things in America. At least in New York and San Francisco, where I spent my time. Because the costs were just inconceivable. And so that, there's that, right? And I'm kidding again. I mean, I know that's a real thing for people. Economic hardship is real, and I'm not trying to make light of it, but that wasn't the thing that I was focusing in on when I was saying that things are rough, and that we live in unprecedented times. It was more so about what's happening with ICE, what's happening with the current administration, what's happening with protections in terms of environmental protections, food and safety protections, regulations. All of these things are being dismantled, eroded, changed to benefit the few at the cost of the many. And so it's really weird being there. But being in that space in Mendocino amongst giant ancient redwoods, and listening to the stories of people from diverse backgrounds and cultures, was really connective, because you begin to see the struggle that people are dealing with. And I want to speak about that for a moment, without violating the confidentiality of individuals, but just to speak in general terms, because when I was planning on going to the States, I had a lot of reservations in doing so, because of the political climate, because of what I've been seeing on the news, because of the stories that reach me via social media, or Reddit, or friends and family sharing, or just people talking about it here in Europe. There is this atmosphere of chaos, fear, mounting division, and looming crisis, whether that's economic, social, energy crisis, climate crisis, all of the crises seem to be coalescing, like a ball of fucking snakes, in America. And one of the things that I was concerned about was being hassled, being targeted, being the subject of state sanctions, surveillance, and scrutiny in a way that I might be perceived as a dissident. I may be, you know, in quotes, threat to their foreign policy, and their agenda, and their interests. And I didn't want to find myself grappling with ICE agents, or border controls, or being interrogated, or having my devices confiscated. And so that was a concern that I had, because I know that everyday people are being targeted. Often these are people of ethnic minority populations, vulnerable populations, immigrants, women, people of color. And I know that isn't happening exclusively to those people. You know, we've seen footage of white Americans being shot to death in the streets, but disproportionately, the people who are being persecuted, the people who are being targeted are people of color, are vulnerable populations. And so sure, I don't have the same level of worry that these people do. There is a difference between us, right? Unfortunately, people are being targeted by the color of their skin. And my friends, when I spoke to them, they were saying things like, yeah, it's not so bad. Come on, no one's really feeling that. That's just the news. They report on the most sensational, over-the-top stories, just to generate clicks and headlines and stoke fears and foment anger. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I, I get how it works. And it's true. That is happening, but that's not the only thing happening, right? Surely there are people and communities who have experienced devastation from what's happening. there are people in cages. There are people being sexually abused, killed, deported, people going missing, disappearing. And it's not a small number of people. And so I had this curiosity when I was there to see what is it like boots on the ground. And in San Francisco and in New York, from that perspective, you don't see much visually. I didn't see ice agents pulling people out of cars. I didn't see ice agents in the airport hassling people. I didn't see any of that, which doesn't mean it isn't happening. It just means I didn't see it. But when I spoke to people, when I was in San Francisco and I was speaking to people from Latin America, they were saying that they do know people who have been deported. They do know communities in other parts of California or in other parts of the country that have been targeted and affected by what's happening. And so it isn't like it isn't happening. And you have to like really go out and look for evidence of it. You just have to have a conversation with somebody. And so when I was at this event, you know, there were white people, there were Hispanic people, there were Asian people, there were Arabic people, there were Native American people. There were people from all over the place. There's people from Belgium and New Zealand and all over the world. So it was a pretty diverse group of people. And when you listen to the struggle going on that people of color are facing, it was heart-wrenching to listen to. You know, people, people are scared. People are worried. People are angry. People are really feeling what's going on right now. There was a moment where Michael Mead was saying that what he used to do was try to keep the politics and the things outside the room, outside the room. And keep what's happening in the room, you know, what's alive in people, what's present in them, their emotions, connecting to what's going on and feel their feelings. But what's happened now, given the state of things, is that what's outside is inside. And it's become impossible to separate the two because these forces are so invasive and so intrusive and so far-reaching that they're in the room now. They're in people's hearts. They're in people's minds. They are intertwined with how people are feeling. And people would express this. You know, they'd be saying things like coming here was such a struggle for them. They thought of not coming or they're worried about leaving when they have to drive and make their way back to their homes, wondering if they're going to be picked up, profiled, abducted, deported, tortured, killed. Who knows what's going to happen? And that these are real fears. These are real things that people have to confront when they decide to go take a trip and be in shared space with other people to try to facilitate some healing. You know, so even going to attend a retreat, I use the word retreat in quotes, and I would call it an event. It was more of a ritual or a rite of initiation. Going to do something like that is a serious undertaking. It isn't something that you just decide on a whim because there are real risks right now. And people are living with these risks. Their days are mediated. they have to navigate their way through a minefield of stress, worry, and frustration that they shouldn't and wouldn't otherwise have to deal with. So, being there at this time, there was a unique vibration in the field that was a very disorienting, very painful, very dark and concerning energy in the field. And it was a strong energy. It was pervasive. So, that's one of the things that I'm taking away from that experience is sensing into that energetic. And we could go into a whole analysis of that and talk about how much of that is produced by the media apparatus, right? How much of that is propagandized? How much of that is putting these kind of things in people's faces 24-7 and peppering in a little bit of hostility, a little bit of threat, a little bit of menace? And you kind of get more bang for your buck from a fascist perspective where the storytelling and the narrative and the media are really doing a lot of work for you and you just got to get in there and ruffle some feathers and hurt some people. And again, I'm not condoning any of this. This is abhorrent. This is disgusting. This is repellent, sad human behavior. And all I'm saying here is that there is a relationship between what's happening on the streets and the stories that are being peddled and pushed through media organizations to help reinforce those stories and to help spread more fear. That's a thing that's happening too, right? But my point is regardless of all that, and that's kind of the point some of my friends were making, was that, the things are happening, but the media is really fanning those flames to make them bigger. and my feeling when I was there was, okay, if that's happening, it's fucking working, right? Like, does it matter that not every community is being persecuted? I don't think so. Like, why would that matter? What matters is that some of them are and people are feeling powerless to stop this. That this is a constitutional violation, these are human rights violations, and that this shit is crazy and that this shit shouldn't be happening and that we should be treating each other better and we should love one another and we should support one another and none of us are free until all of us are free and, this whole thing, right? So, feeling that and being in that and holding space for that was hard because we are in hard times right now. Once I unpack things more and I organize my thoughts a little bit or I feel like I can talk about that in a sensible way or I talk primarily about my experience of it, I'd be happy to revisit that but right now I'm just going to leave you with that and say it was a powerful experience that I'm grateful to have had. The nature was beautiful. Michael Mead is a living legend. He was so quick on his feet, quick in his head, like, he was incredible. Just to be in his presence, be around him, the dude's 82 years old, it's like, or maybe he's 83, I don't even know exactly how old he is, but he's not a fucking spring chicken anymore. And just being around him and seeing him and listening to him tell stories and it was great. He was very human, very approachable, very open, very frank. he was a cool dude. So, I'm happy that there are people out there in the world who are trying to create these spaces and trying to bridge gaps, not just racially or intergenerationally, but just like on a human soul level, getting people together and talking about real things in a way that has this kind of ancient feel to it. You know, there was no instruction, there was no schedule, there were no rules. I mean, there was one rule, there was only one rule, which was no physical violence. And I think that was a very important rule because there were some moments where if that rule wasn't in place, things might have gotten interesting pretty quickly. So, yeah. After that, I went to New York. I saw some friends and family there, which was really nice, just to connect with them and spend some time with my mom and my dad and my brother and sister. And it was a quick visit, though. Like, I had never been to New York for shorter than a week. And being there for only three days, you felt how short the time was. people I didn't even reach out to. There were people I didn't see. There were people I almost didn't see that knew I was coming. It went by really, really, really fast. And even faster in Ireland. When I was in Ireland, I saw some friends there. I saw my friend's new house that he had built with his bare hands, which was incredible, just to see the way he took an ancient ruin and modernized it and installed thick walls, in-floor heating, thick triple-paned windows, positioned everything so that a lot of the sun comes in from the south to heat the house in the colder months. The way the ventilation system also aerates the house and promotes more even temperature distributions. There's a name for the kind of place that he built. I forget what it's called. I want to say passive house or there's some term for it, which means it meets these more rigorous standards for energy efficiency and things like that. And it was really beautiful to be in that space and see all of his toils and all of his energy and stress and work and attention and intention, building that space come to fruition and pay off where he has the fruit of it now. It's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful place. I don't want to leave. I wish I had more time to spend there. And yeah, that must be a unique form of satisfaction to be living in a place that you envisioned and built with your own hands and then you get to enjoy in your own custom home. It was cool to be in that space. So I had a lot of respect for what he did and I admired the attention to detail and the way he planned everything and the way everything came together into this really cohesive piece of art. It was really cool. So I was happy to see that and happy to see him happy with it. and yeah, then I came back here and we had a workshop. We had a nice workshop with a kind group and that was nice to kind of spend some more time in nature and connect with people and yeah. And now here I am. Soon we'll be making our way to Asha's Brothers 40th. we'll have a little party and then we'll get on the road and make our way to warmer climates like the migratory birds that we've become. Living in a van will do that to you. So that's like the update on where I was and what happened. And my hand is pretty much numb at this point from clutching the microphone. my neck is craned and strained in a weird position. So I'm feeling into the body right now and noticing these things. What else did I want to talk to you about? You know, there is this great book that I'm reading right now. It's really dense. It's really academic. It's kind of a slog to get through but the topic is really fascinating. The subject matter is so interesting that it keeps me going. And so I'm juggling that book side by side with the Tyson Young Caporta book Sand Talk. And Sand Talk is just like going through it like a warm knife through butter. It's just pleasant to read. The words are simple. The message is clear. It's first person. It's really pleasant to read. used that word already but that's the word that comes to mind. And the other book that I'm reading is called Pantheologies, Gods, Worlds, Monsters. Which with a title like that like how could you not be interested in reading that book, right? And I do love reading it but it is so meticulously researched which is great. You know it's a great thing that it's academically rigorous and heavily footnoted and all of that. And I love those kind of books but part of me misses the first person. okay so how does this move in the body? How does this affect us practically? What does it mean for us if we adopt a worldview that says that the world is not dead matter? Contrary to ancient Greek thinkers like Aristotle who proclaimed that the world is inert, dead matter. and then this idea was further taken on by people like Descartes who tried to create this mind and body split and you know you have the Abrahamic religions who see the earth as sinful and just it's the kind of backdrop that we exist on while we await our passage into eternal paradise in the afterlife. this world is just this sinful thing of temptation and darkness and pain which isn't really giving a fair fucking that's not that's not all the world is right? In the physical world some people like some thinkers like Spinoza and a very fascinating guy who I'd like to maybe dedicate an episode to I would have to research him a lot named Giordano Bruno who was a kind of contemporary of Galileo he was burned at the stake for heresy he had the heretical savage deranged notion that the universe was infinite and alive and this was something that warranted being burned at the stake apparently but yeah like this book is really good and I love reading it and it's full of interesting historical facts and data points and philosophical analysis and comparisons between people like Hegel and Nietzsche and Spinoza and Aristotle and you know people that you've never heard of so it's fun to know the history there but I'm finding myself wanting more of the what do we do with this information you know if it's true which I believe it is and that's just my belief you know people don't have to see it that way in fact they probably shouldn't diversity of belief and opinion and perspective is part of what makes things interesting and what makes connection and interaction powerful so I wouldn't want everybody to believe the same thing in that sense but if the world is alive and each thing that exists is a kind of manifestation or echo or expression of the sacred of like these divine cosmic forces then what does that mean for us and this is what I've been thinking about and I think it means a lot actually I think it's a really profoundly paradigm shifting concept to perceive the world and everything in it everyone in it as sacred and special and deserving of respect and dignity and imagine if we treated ourselves this way you know all of these problems with ice wealth inequality bigotry racism misogyny all of these fucking things just melt away right if if everything is God and everything is sacred and everything deserves respect and honor then you should treat things with care and respect because they're also you right if I'm an emanation of something divine I am one of the constituent components of this divinity then so are you it's funny because there's this story that we read at the beginning of a community building workshop the story is called the rabbi's gift it's an old story and the premise is that there is a monastery in disrepair you know the whole religious order that's there is fallen into decay people have left it's doomed right it's destined to kind of dissolve and die so the abbot looking for an answer of what to do remembers that he used to meet with an old rabbi who studied and meditated out in the woods nearby so he goes out to the woods to see what he can tell him about how to revive his order and he goes there and he despairs and he tells the rabbi what's going on and the rabbi is basically like well I can't really help you I don't have the answers to this you know people are changed now things are different I see the same thing in the synagogue people are just not there anymore like they they've lost sense with this kind of spiritual connection and I don't know what to do either and so they kind of lament together they read some religious scripture and in a last ditch effort you know as they're saying goodbye and how nice this was the abbot is like you know are you sure is there nothing you can tell me about what to do here because it's got to be something and the rabbi thinks for a second and he goes no I don't I don't have an answer but there is one thing that I could tell you and so of course the abbot is like sure like yeah anything would help and the rabbi says well one of you in your order and you know maybe there's like six people that are still in the monastery one of you is the messiah and so the abbot is fucking dumbstruck and he's like what like and so he's walking away he's leaving the little forest hut in the woods and he goes back to the monastery and of course all of the people in the order all of the people the fucking five or six people that are still there are clamoring and they're going you know what what happened what did he say what are we to do and the abbot tells him well he didn't give me an answer on what to do but he told me something puzzling and strange and so they're like yeah are you gonna fucking spill the beans and so he goes yeah he said um apparently one of us is the messiah all the monks and the order their eyes light up and they're thinking one of us is the messiah is it me no can't be me you know I'm not I'm not devoted enough you know I haven't put it in enough time I don't know the scriptures well enough I sometimes have angry outbursts and it can't be me maybe brother David yeah he's very studious it's probably brother David or you know no maybe it's it's brother Nathaniel you know he's always caring and patient and he listens so well maybe it's brother John you know they all have these stories about who it could be and why and eventually they kind of come to the point that maybe it is me you know why why not me I also have good qualities and so over time they start to treat each other with respect and patience and kindness because for all they know they're dealing with the messiah and if this if this is the messiah surely you want to treat the messiah well with respect and care and grace and kindness and people notice people start to go to this place they visit for a picnic or they're just coming to pray and they say wow the energy here is is interesting it's changed the people are so kind and patient and loving and I like this place and then they show their friends and their friends come and they go wow this is this is cool like I I want to show my friends about this and people start coming and the place becomes more lively and full of life and people begin to become interested and they start to join the order and in time the order is flourishing and everybody's loving and kind and people come there just to be there and the moral of the story is that with you know these few words the rabbi gave this gift he didn't give them an answer on how to how to do this but he suggested what I think is true is that there is divinity among them and and not just not just one of them is the messiah but all of them are the messiah and all the people who come there are the messiah and the blades of grass are the messiah and the trees and the fruit and the birds and the winds and the rains and all of these things are constituent components of this great divine thing so when I read this in the book I immediately saw the parallel in the story that we read to people all the time and I was thinking yeah like that story is a parable that describes what happens if we treat each other with respect kindness love as beings deserving respect as beings that are sacred and divine and so I guess that's where I'm gonna end this right now is just leaving you with that story and you can let that story move in you and see where you are in that story and what it feels like to hear it and how that story could move in you and your behaviors and your perceptions and your actions in everyday life does it call you to be kinder to your kids your co-workers your partner yourself I mean that's the big thing right so many of us don't know what to do with compliments or kindness or love or compassion that's directed at us it feels uncomfortable you just want to kind of like wriggle away from it and you know let it slide off your back but letting that love in and being able to give it to ourselves and find compassion and forgiveness and patience I know for me that's a fucking struggle and I work on that and I've gotten much much much much better at it and I'm thankful for that I do see the fruits actually one of the fruits you know just to kind of go a little bit full circle here because this is what this podcast is I am nearing the end and I'm about to close it down we probably have a couple minutes left but before I do that I want to touch briefly back on the retreat because one of the insights I had there one of the fruits was that my relationship with my father is the best that it's ever been in my life and it took 40 years to get there and it wasn't easy there were decades spent in anger resentment pain sadness grief you know all of that shit and when I was at this retreat in Mendocino I realized for the first time that I had done a lot of work in this area you know I've spoken to him I've seen him as a person I understand him in different ways I've forgiven him for a lot of things for the imperfections and all of that stuff and the the wounds and all of those things you know they helped make me who I am I wouldn't be who I am without those things and so they were important teachers and that isn't some sort of like Stockholm syndrome thing where I am rewriting history to you know it's none of that shit it's just real like change and acceptance and maturity I think and that's the maturation process right is to learn how to accept things and learn how to forgive people and learn how to forgive ourselves at least that's that's what I think and when I was there in this workshop and I saw what the topic of fathers were doing to people and I saw myself in all those people too it's I don't mean it to say that I'm better than those people or oh I've done more work I'm further along than these people I know that this shit works in cycles and waves and ripples and the wave that I'm on at the moment is one that feels good you know there it's something to honor and to celebrate and recognize and I was feeling it in that moment and I had tears in my eyes of like happiness in a way of like wow this is a new feeling to me and and it may change you know as feelings do none of them are persistent they are ephemeral you know they come and go and so it will change but right now what I'm feeling in my life and what I felt in that space was closer to contentment not discontent you know it was a feeling of wow like I do feel connected to my father and that's unusual for me and so today the reason I'm talking about this is because today is my dad's birthday and I haven't spoken to him yet so after this I'll give him a call and see how he's doing wish him a happy birthday but when I was home I was surprised to see that he wanted to hang out like he took time out of his schedule and out of his day to just be with me and we you know we didn't have to do anything I was going to my friend's house to have a barbecue and he was like oh could I come and he hung out and he told stories and you know we had some laughs and we ate some burgers and it was simple it was like kind of you know you could say even boring in a way but he hung out all day and he made an effort to be there and he wanted to and you know I noticed it and it was it was touching to me and it was another indication that our relationship is in a different place and you know I'm not home often and so he made it a point to be there and yeah so I'm grateful for that and this goes back to this messiah thing and this goes back to this sacred thing and this dignity thing and treating each other well and being kind and forgiving each other and wanting to build bridges and wanting to connect you know sometimes it could take 40 fucking years for that to happen sometimes it may not there may not be enough time for it to happen and that could be a hard thing to grapple with and the grief involved with something like that I you know that's a heavy burden to bear but no one said life is easy right one one thing that I can assure you life is not as easy I guess that's where I'm gonna leave this episode thanks for listening I'm happy to be back I don't know if I will be doing a weekly cadence or I'll switch to bi-weekly I guess we'll see there is something nice about having a little bit more time and not having to just pump out an episode every week just because so this break has maybe affected the rhythm at which I'll release episodes but we'll see I'll have more on that next time there are also some announcements that I need to talk to you about you know like me getting off of Spotify me sending up a patreon maybe I'll have the next episode dedicated to that just a short one but for anyone who listens to the end here you can find that stuff on the passing through website yeah be good to one another thanks for listening and I'll talk to you next time you